"let me help you get the crotch in the right place"

one of the reasons i started this blog was entirely selfish- to be able to look back and remember everything about this adventure. i want to be able to remember the entire journey, including getting ready to leave. 

i feel as though i must share this story.

last week i went to the nearby SCUBA store to start getting all the supplies i need for madagascar. a kind, slightly elderly man helped me through the entire process, from a dive knife to new fins to a dive torch, dive watch, and dive slate. then came the wetsuit.

the five needles suddenly didn't seem so bad. the torture of shopping for jeans and bathing suits began to pale in comparison. nothing will ever compare to squeezing myself into a neoprene pudge-enhancer under fluorescent lights. 

since i'll be in madagascar during the slightly colder months, it's recommended that we have a 5 mm wetsuit. if you've never worn a full-length, 5 mm wetsuit before, let me break it down for you. your joints no longer bend like they're supposed to. your limbs stick straight out and induce, at best, a waddle when you attempt to move. despite the fact that they're predominantly black, they are far from slimming. those extra couple christmas cookies last month may as well be accompanied by a lighted, flashing sign. overall, not a pretty picture. especially when it comes along with the experience i had.

man: okay, let's move on to the wetsuit. i'm guessing you're a size 6?

me: (not even close. hm, would it offend him if i tell him how far off he is?) you know, i think i might need a slightly larger size.

man: i don't know, why don't you just try the 6 on first? i think it will be fine. now, here's the thing. the 5 mil wetsuits are a little tricky to get on. i'm assuming you didn't bring a bathing suit to try these on with, so i'm going to give you a lycra suit to wear underneath in case you get... stuck.

me: (what the heck is a lycra suit?) okay.

man: alright, go ahead and try these on. let me know if i can help you with anything.

me: (oh. wow, that lycra suit has STIRRUPS on the feet. well, at least my entire body will be covered in case i need to be peeled out of the wetsuit.) great, thanks.

*starts to attempt to put on the wetsuit*

hmm this is trickier than i thought it was going to be.

i am sweating more profusely than i have in my entire life.

is it supposed to be this difficult to get on?

i should have told that guy to come in and rescue me if i wasn't out of this dressing room in twenty minutes.

%$@*!

ahem. excuse me? i really think i need a larger size.

man: let me grab that for you.

*hands me a larger size.*

me: @&#*!&$*#(%&@*#&^@. this is still the most physically challenging process i've ever been through.

*walks out of dressing room.*

man: alright, let's check you out! hm. well, let me give you a tip: the most important part of putting on a wetsuit is getting the crotch in the right spot. it looks like the crotch of your wetsuit's riding a bit low. let me help you get the crotch in the right place. let's unzip you, pull the top off and then work the bottom half up a bit.

*proceeds to unzip the back of my wetsuit and peel the top half of my suit off.*

man: okay, now here's what we're going to do. i want you to turn around, and on the count of three, i'm going to grab the suit right above your bottom and pull up. 1... 2...

me: HOLY WEDGIE. is this legal?

man: ah, much better. see how the crotch is in the right place now? now, the knee pads are currently on your shins, so let's get those in the right place. i'm going to just pull the fabric up...

*proceeds to start yanking the fabric around the thighs up towards the now-properly-situated-crotch.*

me: yup. definitely questioning the legality of this endeavor. 

man: okay, perfect! now we'll do the top part.

*pulls the top up.*

man: see how the shoulders in the suit are pulling your shoulders down? you need to make sure that your dive buddy helps you get everything situated in the right spot. i'm going to grab the front part of your suit and pull up.

*grabs the suit directly over my boobs and gives it a giant heave ho.*

me: well, it's official. i'm just going to dive naked. i have a hard time believing the entire research team is going to wait an hour for my buddy to shoe horn me into this bad boy. ahem, looks great! thanks for the advice. i'll take it! okay i'm just going to hop waddle back into the dressing room...